Holiday New Parenting: Thanksgiving Edition
This post was originally posted on the BabySpace Coachella Valley blog and can be found here:
Nov 22
Written By BabySpace Coachella Valley
BabySpace Coachella Valley Supports You This Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving can be a time for gratitude, warmth, and family gatherings. For new moms and new parents, however, this cherished holiday can also bring about a mix of emotions, ranging from joy and anticipation to anxiety. In this blog post, we'll explore the thoughts and feelings many new moms and new parents experience as they navigate Thanksgiving gatherings with a new baby or young child.
Anticipation and Expectations
As Thanksgiving approaches, new moms might recognize flutters of excitement, sometimes mixed with a wave of anxiety. Thoughts swirl in her mind about how the day will unfold, especially when it comes to her little one. The baby’s schedule, preferences, and temperament all meet the expectations of the family gathering and how to attempt to support baby’s needs with mom’s/parent’s needs and the wider expectations of the event itself.
Passing the Baby Around
One of the biggest concerns around family events is the well-intentioned relatives' desire to hold and cuddle the adorable baby. While the new mom understands the love behind this, there may also exist a worry that her baby might get upset, and it's not just about the tears. There could also be an underlying fear that once the baby is in someone else's arms, it might be challenging to get him/her back into mom’s arms. More experienced parents might want to prove that they can “settle the baby” without realizing the need of the baby for the calm embrace, soothing voice, warm touch and smell of his/her primary caregiver(s). This is what is truly settling and regulating for the baby once s/he has reached a level of dysregulation that requires parents to step in.
Talking about this ahead of time with those who ask to hold the baby can be a great way to lay out your expectations ahead of time. This could look like, “just so you know, s/he seems to be getting a little tired and that can be a challenging time to hold her/him, so if s/he does start to show signs of needing me, I’m going to take her back from you. If you think you’d like to hold her later after she’s napped/been fed/had some time outside, then I’m happy to wait until then, too.” This could also look like, “You know, she’s showing signs of needing some time with me right now, so let’s plan to have you hold her later after she’s napped/eaten or we can both sit together on the couch with her.” You can practice this script with your partner/spouse/safe family member before attending the event so you have said it out loud a few times and feel confident in sharing your message with whoever you need to.
Feeling Guilty
Sometimes the guilt creeps in when the new mom reflects on her contribution to the Thanksgiving meal. In the hustle and bustle of caring for a newborn/baby/toddler, she may find herself spending more time with the baby than in the kitchen. The thought that she “should be doing more” to help can be overwhelming, leaving her torn between her maternal duties and the desire to actively participate in the festivities.
The guilt intensifies as she overhears snippets of conversation about the elaborate dishes others have prepared or the intricate decorations adorning the Thanksgiving table. Comparing herself to the seemingly effortless contributions of those around her, she can't help but feel a twinge of inadequacy. The pressure to live up to societal expectations adds an extra layer to the already complex emotions she experiences during the holiday season. Despite her best efforts, the internal struggle persists, echoing the unspoken narrative that holiday celebrations should be flawlessly orchestrated, leaving little room for the unpredictable nature of motherhood.
As we move through motherhood, it can be hard to see the contributions you are making to your child when you are comparing those contributions against what you were more freely able to do before baby. Amidst the challenges of motherhood, it's crucial to recognize that each moment spent nurturing and caring for your child is a valuable contribution in itself. The comparison to a pre-baby era doesn't account for the immeasurable love, patience, and dedication you bring to your role as a mother. Embracing the unique ways you now impact your child's life, even if they differ from past freedoms, fosters a sense of fulfillment and joy in the beautiful journey of motherhood.
Worries about Germs and Sickness
In a world where health and safety are paramount, the new mom sometimes can't help but worry about the potential germs that her baby might encounter during the Thanksgiving gathering. The fear of sickness looms large, and every cough or sniffle becomes a cause for concern. Balancing the joy of the holiday with the need to protect her little one from illness becomes a delicate dance. Navigating this delicate dance of safeguarding your baby's health during holiday celebrations involves tactful communication with family members and setting boundaries that prioritize the well-being of the little one. The new mom grapples with the internal conflict of wanting her child to experience the warmth of family gatherings while being hyper-aware of the potential health risks. In this balancing act, you may discover the importance of finding a middle ground that allows for festive enjoyment while ensuring your baby's safety remains the top priority.
The 'Shoulds' of Motherhood
Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects for new moms is the internal pressure to live up to a standard she perceives as the "normal" way of doing things. She finds herself grappling with the notion that she 'should' be able to manage everything just as effortlessly as before motherhood. The reality is that being a new mom comes with a set of challenges that can't be neatly compared to life before baby. Recognizing that the 'shoulds' and comparisons are societal constructs rather than realistic expectations, our new mom embarks on a journey of self-compassion. Each day brings its unique set of triumphs and challenges, and she learns to appreciate the beauty in the imperfections of motherhood. As she sheds the burden of unrealistic standards, she discovers a newfound strength in embracing the messy, unpredictable, and incredibly rewarding nature of raising a child. Through self-acceptance, she begins to rewrite the narrative, acknowledging that there is no universal "normal" in the extraordinary journey of motherhood.
Create a mantra for yourself when you notice the arrival of the ‘shoulds:” “I am in a season of life that allows for this day to look just the way it should,” “I trust those around me to support me as this day unfolds,” or “I am grateful for the ability to live this day in this way.”
Coping Strategies
Other parents in your life can be great collaborators…and you don’t have to heed all of their advice, either.
Despite these anxieties, as a new mom you are not alone. Many parents have walked this path before, and there are strategies to help ease the stress. Communicating openly with family about preferences for handling the baby, enlisting support for meal preparation, and taking breaks to rest and recharge can make a significant difference. Building a support network is essential, and fellow parents can offer valuable insights and understanding. Engaging in honest conversations with family members about your needs as a new mom helps create a supportive and understanding environment. Implementing strategies like establishing a comfortable feeding or nap area for the baby and openly communicating about any concerns can foster a collaborative and enjoyable Thanksgiving celebration for everyone involved.
BabySpace Coachella Valley reminds you that holiday gatherings as a new mom/a mom with a young child may be a rollercoaster of emotions, but it's essential to remember that it's okay not to have everything figured out. Embracing the support of loved ones, communicating needs, and finding moments of joy amid the chaos can make this holiday season memorable for all the right reasons. So, to all the new moms out there, take a deep breath, savor the moments, and cherish the gratitude that comes with this unique Thanksgiving journey.
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